You Said It Stewie
by Red Witch
Summary: Another fun episode of Krieger's Korner where the main topic is insanity.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters or anything else is listening to a talk show. This is just madness from my tiny mind people. **

**You Said It Stewie **

"Hello Internet!" Krieger waved. "And welcome back to another episode of Krieger's Korner!"

"I don't know why I came **back** on this show," Ron groaned. He was sitting on a chair in a fancy living room. Ray and Pam were on a couch and Krieger was on another chair.

"Glutton for punishment I guess," Ray remarked.

"I'm a glutton for bearclaws," Pam grinned.

"I think our audience knows our panel," Krieger said. "Ron Cadillac, successful businessman."

"Unsuccessful at finding sane people to live with," Ron groaned.

"Ray Gillette," Krieger added. "Bronze medalist in the Giant Slalom."

"But first place winner in the Geisha Night Beauty Pageant at the Snug three years in a row," Ray said proudly.

"And America's Sweetheart Pam Poovey," Krieger finished.

To this Pam responded with a loud belch. "Sorry," Pam said. "I had some clam chowder over some lobster risotto and corn chips for a snack."

"What **won't** you eat?" Ray was stunned.

"Some of our regular viewers may have noticed that Cheryl Tunt isn't here today," Krieger added. "Where is she?"

"B.D. Less are closing all their stores," Pam said. "Cheryl ran out to stock up on supplies."

"Supplies?" Ray asked. "Wait, isn't B.D. Less a craft chain store?"

"Exactly," Pam nodded. "Cheryl wants to get all the glue she can get her bony hands on."

"I sense a trip to the emergency room in the near future for her," Ron groaned.

"Or anyone stupid enough to not get out of her way," Ray added. "She may look like a bony little bird, but stand between her and some glue and she's like a linebacker for the Atlanta Falcons."

"Let's start with our first topic," Krieger suggested.

"Let's start with our first drink," Pam quipped.

"I think it's time that we discuss something that's very important," Krieger said. "Something that affects us all in this world. I know this is going to be controversial…But this is a topic that needs debating. A topic that may affect the entire country. New flavors for Oreos. Are they a good thing or is it a sign that cookies are sliding down a slippery slope to Hell?"

**"That's** your big topic?" Ron asked.

"Well it's not like there's anything interesting going on in politics or the world," Krieger said.

"Is he **serious**?" Ron did a double take.

"It's best not to tell him," Ray sighed. "For everyone's sake."

"Let the boy live in the bubble," Pam agreed. "I'm pro new flavors. I'm always down for something new and different in my mouth."

"Phrasing…" Ray snickered.

"I don't know," Ron shook his head. "What's wrong with Oreos the way they are? You got the chocolate cookies with the nice soft tasty creamy center in the middle. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

"Yeah I am not totally on board with some of these new flavors," Ray said. "Peanut butter and chocolate are fine. Those are okay. Smores Oreos. Out of the park. I will give them that. But **carrot cake** Oreos? **Candy cane** Oreos? **Blueberry pie** Oreos?"

"What's next?" Ron snapped. "Thanksgiving Oreos? Tasting like turkey, cranberry sauce and gravy?"

"That's not a bad idea actually," Pam said.

"Note to self," Krieger remarked. "A fun new cooking project to try in the lab!"

Ray looked at Ron. "These are **not **the right people to have this discussion with."

"You know what flavors they should have?" Pam suggested.

"Bourbon?" Ray asked.

"You read my mind," Pam nodded.

"Or scotch!" Krieger added.

"If Glengoolie Blue made cookies like that Ms. Archer would gain about twenty pounds," Pam snickered. "Damn. Now I really want those cookies!"

"Alcohol flavored cookies…" Ron groaned.

"Why not?" Pam asked. "They have alcohol flavored like cookies and candy? Why not the other way around? It makes perfect sense!"

"I'm glad **something does** around here," Ron groaned.

"Look I think we can all agree," Ray said. "Innovation is well and good. But sometimes you can take it too far."

"Like the time I put wings on one of my Pigglys," Krieger nodded. "Boy did **that **make a mess!"

"You mean you had a pig that flew and shit all over the place?" Ray did a double take.

"Not exactly," Krieger sighed. "I shoved **that** Piggly off the roof. But the wings didn't work. Which was very unfortunate for Brett's car. And Brett."

"Oh right!" Pam realized. "I remember filling out the medical forms back when I was head of HR. Brett got a concussion as well as radioactive feathers down his throat."

"It's probably just as well he was shot to death by the CIA," Krieger admitted. "With all the toxins he was exposed to as well as other injuries…The odds of him dying a slow painful death from cancer were pretty high."

"Can we talk about something less horrible?" Ron asked. "At this point politics seems like the better way to go…"

"Boring!" Pam waved. "But we should change the topic. Don't want to lose the audience."

"This show has an **audience**?" Ron asked.

"Apparently," Ray shrugged.

"Before we go on, I just want to give a shout out to Sally's Second-Hand Surgical Equipment," Krieger spoke to the camera. "If you're in a hurry to suture yourself, go to Sally's! Their Gangrene Friday Sale is going on now! I just some slightly used clamps that work like new! Go to Sally's! You won't regret it!"

"But your patients will!" Ray groaned.

"You're actually **plugging products**?" Pam asked.

"Why not?" Krieger asked. "Everybody else is making money off the internet. Why can't I?"

"I think that's a question for the fraud squad and a judge to answer," Ron remarked.

"Hey I just got forty percent off my next purchase so I'm good," Krieger said.

"That's debatable," Ray quipped. "But let's go to another topic."

"I have a topic," Ron said. "Who's Keeping up with the Kardashians? I can't! I don't know where to begin! I can't keep up! I can't keep up!"

"I know I can't," Ray admitted.

"I just haven't," Pam sighed. "I'm more of a Real Housewives girl."

"Our next topic is highly debatable," Krieger said. "Soup or Stew?"

"Depends," Ray said. "What kind is it and what time of year? I don't like stews or soup much in the summer. But wintertime…"

"I like stew," Pam said. "It's thick and chunky and best of all you can use it to pour over stuff. Like rice. Or rice and chicken. Or fried rice and chicken fried with Snickers bars."

"Better enjoy your feet while you can," Ray remarked. "Because the way you eat diabetes will snap those things right off."

Pam looked at Ray. "So? I'll just have Krieger make me some new metal ones like you did!"

"Point taken," Ray sighed.

"I like a good soup," Ron said. "Anything that tastes good and I don't have to chew much is fine with me. Not that I still don't have my teeth. It's just at this point, anything that doesn't add to the wear and tear is a bonus if you get my drift."

"I guess now is a good time as any to plug my newest invention," Krieger held up a plastic bag with a label of Krieger's face on it. It had something brown and green inside. "Dr. Krieger's Good For You Stew! It's scientifically good!"

"What?" Ray asked. "Someone already trademarked homemade botulism?"

"What are you doing?" Ron asked.

"I've decided to come up with a new thing to sell," Krieger explained. "Stew scientifically made to keep you healthy!"

"It's in a Ziploc bag," Ray pointed out.

"Well it kept rusting the cans," Krieger admitted.

"This thing looks like it has mold in it!" Ray winced.

"Good mold!" Krieger said. "The kind penicillin is made up of."

"That's what you're going to need if you eat that," Ron winced.

"Krieger this is something even **I **won't eat," Pam remarked.

"And that is a pretty high bar to pass," Ray added.

"He's right," Pam nodded. "It is."

"BLURRRRRRRRRRRP!"

"Did your stew just **burp?**" Ray did a double take.

"All I know is that wasn't me," Pam winced.

The mixture inside the bag moved back and forth quickly. "Hey! Hey! Hey!" Krieger protested.

Then the mixture broke out of the bag and slid onto the floor. "Sweet Jesus!" Ray gasped.

"It's **alive**!" Pam screamed.

"I wanted to say that!" Krieger pouted. "Huh, I guess my stew's not ready for marketing is it?"

"Unless you rebrand it as a title character in a horror movie!" Ron snapped. "Where's it going?"

"Into the next room!" Pam pointed.

"Krieger get it!" Ray snapped.

"Why do I have to get it?" Krieger protested.

"Because you **made it!"** Pam snapped.

"That's not a good reason," Krieger frowned.

"If it's good enough for when my dumps break the toilet, it's good enough for this situation!" Pam snapped.

"Who **watches** this show exactly?" Ron asked.

"Oh, all right," Krieger got up. Then he came back. "We have time. It's watching the new episodes of Mad About You on demand."

"At least it has taste," Ray remarked. "Which is probably ironic because you wouldn't want to taste that."

"So, we're just going to leave the stew monster on the couch?" Ron asked.

"It's not rampaging," Pam said. "It's not our problem."

"That's the bar we set around here?" Ron asked.

"You should be lucky we **have **a bar," Ray said. "Speaking of which…"

"The next room has an actual bar we can get some drinks at," Pam nodded. "I saw where you're going with that. Let's move."

"Why not?" Ron groaned. "As long as I don't see where that thing is."

The scene quickly cut to the gang in the mansion's bar room. "One good thing about Cheryl's relatives," Pam said as she took a drink. "Even the non-drunks know enough to have plenty of hooch on hand."

"Time for our next topic," Krieger said. "The new Pokémon games. Good or are the creators just not trying anymore?"

"I **love** it," Ray said. "I love the new Rapidash! He's **perfect!"**

"No surprises there," Pam said. "But I **love** the new game too. Most of the new Pokémon are pretty neat. Love the new starters. Especially the fire rabbit. The new Meowth is **adorable**! Not much of a fan of the new fossil ones though. And that new steel dragon looks like something Superman threw away when he was making his Fortress of Solitude."

"They could have worked a little harder on that stupid penguin one," Ray grumbled. "Which I **need!**"

"I told you to get both games," Pam said.

"I can't afford both games!" Ray snapped. "I'm on a budget okay?"

"I'll breed you one," Pam waved. "But I think this game is the best of them all. A welcome addition to the sport!"

"Wait, Pokémon is a **sport?**" Ron was confused.

"It is if you do the Max Raid battles and surprise trades right," Pam nodded. "I got more than half my Pokedex filled on surprise trades **alone**! Of course, I stay up late at night when all the Japanese players are running around."

"I have no idea what these people are talking about," Ron blinked. "I know it's some kind of computer game. But that's **it!"**

"What they should do later," Pam said. "Is have an update with an extra island or something to get even **more** Pokémon that are hard to find or rare! Just saying."

"What exactly is a Pokémon again?" Ron asked. "I know it's a Japanese thing…"

"They're little monsters that you raise and train to battle and collect," Pam explained.

Ron blinked. "Sounds like something both the cops and the ASPCA would bust you for."

"PETA isn't exactly thrilled with the game either," Krieger admitted. "But come on. It's not like we're using real animals. It's just digital monsters. What are the odds that happens in real life?"

Just then the stew monster waddled into the room. It had grown eyes, a face and tiny legs and hands. It saw an open seat at the bar and climbed up on it. "Well…Outside of this group anyway," Krieger admitted.

"Burrrrp!"

"I think he wants a drink," Krieger said. "I'll pour him some scotch!"

"Burrrr-uurp!" The monster said as Krieger did so.

"Fine, I'll put some ice in it," Krieger groaned. "So fussy."

"**This** is a rampaging monster?" Ron blinked as the monster started to drink.

"Well let's see what happens after he has a few drinks in him," Ray remarked. "It might be a good idea to take away his car keys."

"It looks like a Trubbish with a cuter face and better coloring," Pam admitted. "Kind of an improvement actually."

"I think I will call him Stewie," Krieger said.

"I think I will call someplace saner to live," Ron said. "Like a nuthouse."

Pam's phone went off. "It sounds like they're calling **us**," Pam said. "Let me take this." She left the room.

"Let's talk about another topic," Krieger suggested. "Reports indicate this is the worst potato crop in years. There may actually be a French fry shortage."

"Unless you switch to sweet potato fries," Ray pointed out.

"Well that could help, yeah," Krieger acknowledged. "Or if you make fries from other vegetables. There is an argument for growing food in a lab."

"BUURRRP!" Stewie burped.

"Yeah, we know **your position** on that!" Krieger snapped.

"The future looks scarier every time I turn around," Ray groaned.

"Makes me glad I'm old and won't be around to see it," Ron remarked.

"That was the police," Pam said as she walked back in. "Apparently Cheryl caused a minor riot at the craft store…"

"What do they care?" Ray asked. "The store is closing anyway."

"The problem was that the riot spilled over into a Bullseye store right next to it," Pam sighed. "The good news is that Cheryl's company is going to pay off the cops and stuff so this gets swept under the table."

"And the bad news?" Ron asked.

"We have to bail Cheryl out of jail," Pam said. "Ten grand."

"That's peanuts for Cheryl," Ray said. "Literally."

"She doesn't have her checkbook on her," Pam said. "And I have no idea where she hid her wallet this time. Even worse news, Cheryl has no clue either. She's strung out on glue."

"She expects us to pay that much out of **our pockets**?" Ray snapped. "Forget it. She stays!"

"Well you are kind of living in her house," Ron pointed out. "You should pay for her bail."

"So are you," Pam pointed back. "Maybe **you** should chip in?"

Ron paused. "Then again maybe a night in the slammer will help her detox?"

"Guys it's okay," Krieger said. "I got a copy of Cheryl's credit card a while back…For science reasons. Yes, that sounds plausible. We can use that to bail her out."

"Can we stop by that new pop up shop on the way?" Pam asked.

"Ooh you mean the new one on Rodeo Drive?" Ray asked.

"Yeah they had a lot of cool stuff," Pam said. "We could use Cheryl's credit card to get some things."

"I was going to do that anyway," Krieger said. "Let's roll! You coming Ron?"

"Phrasing boom!" Pam snickered.

"Uh no but…" Ron did a double take into the camera.

"Okay, see you later! Bye! Bye Ron!" The others left quickly.

Leaving Ron alone with Stewie. "I guess that's the end of another episode of Krieger's Korner," Ron looked at the camera. "God willing it's also the end of me being on these things."

"Burrrp…"

"You said it Stewie…" Ron groaned as he took a drink.


End file.
